Proofread my essay? not long?

This essay is suppossed to tell way to end youth violence in our community. Could you tell me if my grammar, ideas, and writing sounds good? What could be improved? and for the part where I left a line, does anyone have any good ideas for that part?





As most of us know, there are a colossal amount of youth violence issues here in


the Upper Darby community. These youth violence issues include things such as fighting, bullying, cyber-bullying, physical abuse and emotional abuse. These issues cause innumerable amounts of problems in the Upper Darby community that could easily be avoided or resolved. Because of this, I have come up with a few solutions for this bullying issue that I hope will be able to cease the bullying and change our community for the better.





My first solution is that our community could open a place where young people of all ages are welcome to come and hang out. At this place, activities for the children and teens could be provided. Lessons, such as ways to be nice, include everyone, and settle arguments in a civil way. These lessons could be taught in interesting and creative ways, such as ___________________.





Secondly, while growing up, children need to be taught that differences aren鈥檛 something to make fun of, but something to celebrate. I know that elementary schools in our community stress to teach their students this, but for some reason, it isn鈥檛 getting through to all of them. My idea would be to require more teamwork activities in school, maybe instead of having recess, the children could go outside for a little while, and work with everyone as a team to accomplish one goal together. This would teach the children at a young age, that including everyone and working together is the best way to get things done, even if the people you鈥檙e working with aren鈥檛 the same as you. I understand that some people may say that this isn鈥檛 education and shouldn鈥檛 be taught in school, but not all parents teach their children these things at home. One thing that I have learned from my school teachers this year, is that it doesn鈥檛 matter what letter grade comes out on your report card at the end of the marking period because that letter doesn鈥檛 represent the type of person you are. I think this is the most important thing I have learned in school this year, and yet it鈥檚 not even something I鈥檒l be tested on, but in my mind, it happens to matter a lot more than anything I ever will be tested on. This is why including teamwork excursuses in not only elementary, but all school curriculums would powerfully effect the way young people treat each other here in this community.





Lastly, my closing resolution isn鈥檛 originally mine, but I believe that although putting it into action may be a lot of work, the outcome would greatly change our community for the better, therefore, resulting in less youth violence. Now, I bet you have seen the 2004 movie, Mean Girls, which was written by a former Upper Darby High School attendee, Tina Fey. It鈥檚 a fact that this movie was based off of the way Upper Darby High School was when Tina Fey attended there, which shows the types of problems that occur in the Upper Darby High School, but may not be obvious. In this movie, Tina Fey shows how caddy and disrespectful teenaged girls are and the ways they bully their fellow classmates, and the ways in which guys can act towards each other and the girls in their school. The movie also shows a solution to this problem. The solution is that they gather all of the girls in the high school together for a day in the gym. They do exercises with the girls, allowing them to get to know each other better. The girls also tell their fellow peers about their at home life, and what makes them the person they are. With all of the girls talking about their problems, and learning more about each other, they begin to realize how bad it was to bully their peers. In the end, these excersize bring the girls in the high school closer together; resulting in less bullying issues. I believe that if we tried this out with both girls and boys in our middle schools and high schools, it would defiantly put a stop to a lot of the bullying going on.





These are the ways in which I would choose to end youth violence here in the Upper Darby community. I hope to see my ideas for a community center where we teach children to be better people, including team-working in the school curriculums and put into action someday resulting in a positive change, however, I can鈥檛 do this alone, and it would require teamwork with adults in this community in order for these things to work effectively.|||First thing I noticed is that you don%26#039;t have a thesis. The last sentence should tell what your going to talk about in the rest of the essay.





For example %26quot;The three things I believe that would reduce the violence are community centers, violence education, and positive media influence.%26quot;





Don%26#039;t know if that required for your essay but that%26#039;s usually a standard in all types of writing.





The beginning sentence of each paragraph should also explain what the rest of the paragraph should be about. You did that with your first body paragraph but not second.





Overall, great job, a lot better than most that I write =]